Massachusetts delegates at the Republican National Convention have been sealed off from the media by being housed in the same hotel as presumptive nominee Mitt Romney. Officials hope this sealing off will “lock in freshness, bigotry.” MINUS 1
Harvard scientists have created the first ever “cyborg tissue” by embedding nanoscale wires into human flesh. Early reports suggest that researchers are already really sick of people suggesting that it’s “kinda like Iron Man.” PLUS 1
A Boston-to-Provincetown ferry ran aground this past Saturday before coming back into service Sunday, according to the Coast Guard. Investigators believe the accident may have been caused by the ferry carrying over twice its legal limit of fabulous. MINUS 2
The Springfield School Department will be calling parents to inform them of the district’s new reproductive health program, which has drawn criticism with its controversial slogan “fewer teen pregnancies, more hilarious condom balloons.” PLUS 3
A Republican Sheriff candidate in New Hampshire apologized last week for claiming he’d use deadly force to stop abortion doctors. “What I meant,” said the fully-sane Frank Szabo, “was that I’d like to give tiny little baby-guns to unborn fetuses, then let them decide.” MINUS 1
THIS WEEK’S TOTAL: EVEN
LAST WEEK’S TOTAL: MINUS 1